Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
