He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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