he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
