I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
