so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I want a musical about memes.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
