we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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