the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
