At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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