you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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