I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
