Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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