i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
