Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
