Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Still dying that you shit outside
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
