ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
did i walk over a car last night?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
