I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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