You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
