Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
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New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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