it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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