Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
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He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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