Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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