Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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