i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
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Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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