new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
