he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
