Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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