May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
