I could make wine with my vomit
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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