It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
