I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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