when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i think my cat just said my name.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
