Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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