proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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