like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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