tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
