i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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