Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
