who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
