If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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