My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
