The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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