Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my shit smells like andre
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
