I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
