she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
