you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
