We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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