Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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