Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
