I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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