You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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