how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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