we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
