The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
