In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize