True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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