At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wish my penis had an off switch
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
