my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
