before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
