hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
